How to Use Questions to Change Your Life
I was reading a book called “The One Day MBA” by Marvin Nieland. In it he quotes Σωκράτης…
“Never tell someone something that you can ask them instead” – Socrates
…and man did that get me a thinkin’!!
I started imagining how you would ask someone something that you would usually say to them in a declarative statement.
You see I love telling people stuff. I love to tell them how I see it. Reading Socrates’ quote made me realise how much more effective my communication would become if I took his advice.
For example, let’s say you know someone whose dad died and they’re still holding on after months. We would usually say he should move on… give him good reasons to do so.
But the Socrates quote made me think how I could tell him to move on by asking him questions…
“How is holding on to your dad’s death affecting your life?”
“If you don’t let go, how do you think that would affect your quality of life from now on?”
“Do you think your dad would want you to keep living in pain like this day after day?”
A question is very similar to a well-told story in that they bypass your conscious mind’s defenses and effect change from the inside out. By asking the right questions, the person changes by themselves.
What are questions?
Yes or No questions is the very mechanism by which our brains function, by which decisions are made, and by which our lives move in a given direction. Questions are EVERYTHING.
If you’re thinking about whether you agree with what I’ve just said or not, notice you’d have to answer a yes or no question. If you agree, you will make different choices than if you disagree. Over the period of your lifetime, the compound effect of this simple yes or no decision could have a massive effect on where you end up.
You’ve heard it said that where you are at in life right now is a product of all the decisions you’ve made in your life up until now.
When I was 9, my uncle Lourens Scheepers started teaching me computer programming. My first lesson was about flowcharts. Now using that lesson I’ll demonstrate how the dynamite power of asking questions can affect your direction in life. Click to enlarge…
“There are four ways to effect change in your life.
1) Pain
2) Pressure
3) Peers
4) Perspective
Perspective, seeing things differently, is the only one of the four that results in permanent change. So if you want to change your life, you need to change your perspective.”
- André Olivier
How can we consciously use questions to our advantage
Not long ago, I had a chat with a lady from my church, Lourindie Nel. She is a very highly qualified psychologist. I noticed how she seldom directly answered the questions I asked her. Instead she guided me by asking strategic questions that forced me to come up with the answers myself.
Without telling me how it is, she effortlessly brought me around to her way of thinking. Brilliant.
By asking me questions, she directed my brain to the conclusion she saw, and so I achieved the desired result in my life.
Psychologists have studied the art of asking the right questions, questions you or I wouldn’t know or think to ask. As a result the good ones are routinely able to change people’s lives in very positive ways.
Notice something interesting, they don’t change their patients’ circumstances or situation or problem. They change their perspective on it. That’s it. I just think that’s absolutely brilliant.
I was a very naughty kid. I gave my parents and school teachers a very hard time. But one day my mom had enough and she started the process of enrolling me in boarding school, something I was told all my life is a horrible experience.
Well you’d be amazed at how fast my behavior changed and how effortlessly. Where before I found it, not difficult, but impossible, the change now came easily at the prospect of going to hell on earth.
If you struggled to go to gym every day, and I convinced you that if you missed a single day I would kill you, be assured, you would happily go to gym every day. It’s all about getting a better perspective.
How to Use Questions Effectively
Tony Robbins said that when you want to achieve something, the why is more important than the how. He’s right, but what I started doing while setting goals for myself was just quickly thinking up a why, as if that was going to magically make the goal more achievable.
No. That doesn’t work. If your why isn’t powerful enough, get a different what, or try find a why that you can focus on so intensely that it becomes powerful enough to drive your consistent actions toward your goal.
In other words, if you set a goal for yourself, if your desire to achieve the goal isn’t intense enough to drive your consistent action towards achieving it, either change your goal, or try search yourself for a good enough reason that will give you the fuel to pursue that particular goal.
Questions are what shape our perspectives and in turn our lives. The only problem is, we’re too busy, and it takes too much effort to sit down and strategically go about asking the right questions.
But that’s ok. If from now on you’re just more aware of the importance of questions and that they are the foundation of your thinking process, you will be able to see results. As psychologists know, often just being aware of something creates the change.
Why? Because your perspective is different. And the different perspective creates the change effortlessly.
Conclusion
If you enjoyed this post, I cannot emphasise enough how much you will benefit from my post, My Quest to Become a People Person - Part 2.