My Quest to Become a People Person – Part 1
I’m a suitable candidate to write about this subject because I’ve come from a place where really, you had to be family to like me. I had precious few friends growing up and had a very lonely childhood.
My family was often telling me that I’m very intelligent and talented and so I tried to make sense of people not liking me by telling myself they’re jealous, shallow, or whatever.
I was a good person inside, so the people who did give me the benefit of the doubt and took the time to get to know me really grew to love me, but few people did that.
Only within the last few years did I realise that relating to people is a skill and I can become skilled at relating to people if I make the effort to learn it.
I’ve learned some things on the subject and about myself which I’m sure you will relate to if you also have poor relationship skills.
Even if you’re a great people person, you will certainly benefit from this post in some way.
I’m nowhere near where I need to be with my people skills and it’s such a pain in the butt cause really, if you suffer in this area of life, you suffer big time, cause life is all about people.
But I’ve made some great distinctions that I now just need to get into the habit of doing consistently. When I’ve experimented by doing these things, I’ve seen huge results in the way people respond to me, even longer term.
“Longer term?” I hear you ask. Well, have you ever had the experience where someone smiles and chats to you one day, but then the next week you’re like strangers again? I hate that; Some of these things that I’ll share now go a long way to fixing that problem when used consistently.
It’s all about connecting on a deeper level. It’s essentially about meeting people’s emotional needs. You become irresistible to someone when you meet their emotional needs. Irresistible! People cannot help but be drawn to you.
Here are some things I’ve been experimenting with, and it’s working like you simply wouldn’t believe…
Work on Eliminating the Habit of Being Judgemental, Negative and Critical
“Don’t criticise the what until you understand the why”
One of the things that I’ve discovered is that I can be very critical and vocally judgmental about people if they act in a way that doesn’t make sense to me.
The reason, I suspect, is insecurity. When someone doesn’t agree with me or acts in a way that doesn’t make sense to me, it invalidates my view of the world, how things are, how they work, how they should work.
Well that’s kinda arrogant isn’t it!
I have been known to say, “some women spend one half of the night putting on as little as possible, and the second half trying to cover it all up. If you want to dress like a slut then why spend the rest of your night trying to be respectable”.
I know, it’s a vicious thing to say. And there are others just like it. Whenever someone acts in a way that doesn’t make sense to me I criticise it, and I can always logically explain why they’re being stupid and my way is best.
But, if I wait to judge someone until I have more information on why they say what they say and do what they do, I wouldn’t judge them. In fact, I’d have compassion on them instead more than likely.
For example, a woman may dress provocatively because she’s secretly craving to be noticed and to feel attractive. When she goes out she gets the attention, but she’s a decent person inside so she also wants to cover up because she feels maybe she’s showing a little too much.
Can you imagine having that contradiction tearing at you on the inside. Suddenly I feel like a royal prick for judging.
Do you get the picture? In some cases, I might even be right in my way of thinking, but the point is, I sometimes come across as judgmental, critical, and generally negative, and no one worth being around wants to be around someone like that.
I’ve written about this before, but the best thing to do when you don’t understand something or someone is to gather more information, don’t judge, or better yet…
Assume the Best of People
It’s worked for me to assume there’s a good reason someone is acting the way they do. And it’s only when you assume that that you can be friendly toward them despite them being hostile or antagonistic toward you.
The trick to this one is keeping it up. It’s one thing to assume the best in someone who treats you badly once, but it’s another kettle of fish to keep it up. It takes time to get into the habit of relating to the child inside someone.
Complement Someone Who Has Wronged You
Complement someone who has wronged you. It will make you a better person in the process and help you to forgive. Remember: Unforgiveness and hate are two poisonous pills that you swallow in the hopes that it will kill someone else.
It really is a poisonous pill; your health can suffer from the stresses of bitterness, hate and unforgiveness.
Finally
I’m already almost finished with a part 2 of this topic. There’s so much to learn.
Working on your interpersonal skills is probably the most difficult things to work on, but certainly the most fulfilling and rewarding.
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