Minor Attributes of Confident People – Part 1
Leadership books and blogs deal with major attributes of being confident, but I want to consider the finer, often overlooked aspects.
I’ve found in my life that there are times when I just don’t feel confident. I’ll go out sometimes and I’ll feel and I’ll be confident, and other times I’ll feel self-conscious and weak.
It’s strange and I don’t know why I sometimes feel more confident than other times, but I decided to make it my project. I’ve paid attention when I feel strong and when I feel weak. I’ve also looked at the leaders around me and noticed what they’re doing and I’ve made a few distinctions.
These things may seem silly and pointless to those for whom confidence and charisma come naturally, but for the rest of us they can make a difference.
What you wear
The first minor attribute of confident people is that they are well groomed and wear clothing that makes them feel confident. How your clothing hangs on you, how you feel them around you makes a huge difference to how confident you feel.
How you act
I’ve found that if I feel self-conscious, it helps if I close my mouth and keep it closed until I enter into a conversation with someone, and even then, when I’m not speaking I close my mouth and I don’t smile all the time.
Don’t misinterpret that to mean that I don’t smile. A smile coupled with eye contact is dynamite. I’ve simply noticed that when I’m seeking someone’s approval, especially someone I admire and respect, I’ll smile all the damn time. So I’ve noticed that if I smile slightly while they’re talking, and then stop smiling when I’m talking it projects confidence. I adopt the attitude that “I’m telling you how it is, it’s not up to you to approve or agree.” (the screw you attitude)
It’s also why I try not use the term “I think” or “in my opinion” when I talk and in this blog too. I used to do it all the time because I felt it projected humility, but in fact it projects insecurity.
If I see someone I know across the room I give a big smile (you can feel your cheeks rising) without parting my lips, and raise my hand in a greeting gesture, maybe give them a thumbs-up in an “are you well” gesture.
I force myself to look at people in the eye and hold that eye contact until they look away. In fact I try to make eye contact with everyone. It’s really difficult at first, and it helps to have a “screw you” attitude just for that short period until I’m feeling confident.
I would estimate that the most important thing to do is to force yourself to maintain eye contact. Nothing makes you look more confident. Unfortunately, this is one of the most difficult things for me to do.
When you’ve maintained eye contact for a certain period, and keeping on will make you look unnatural or creepy, then when you break eye contact look somewhere else on the same level or up, never down.
I’ve also found that, along with the above mentioned tactics, if I use hand gestures while I’m talking it makes a big difference. Just like making eye contact, it feels unnatural and forced at first but I push through and do it anyway.
This is a great tip because nothing makes you feel more self conscious and conspicuous than when you don’t know what to do with your hands. Sometimes I’ll put them on my hips and then think “no this is making me look cocky”, then I’ll fold my arms “no this is making me look closed-off” then I’ll let them hang by my side “no this makes me look awkward and unnatural” and then “I’m changing my arm and hand positions too often, they must see that I’m a fraud trying to act confident” and then it’s downhill from there. So hand gesturing works magic.
The way you speak
I’ve noticed that when I focus on giving approval, I stop focusing so much on receiving it. If someone’s busy talking, say “Yes” or “that’s true” or “you’re right” or “that’s a fact”.
Keep a balance though. Don’t be one of those people that agrees with everything someone says even though they don’t have a clue about the subject being discussed.
My father has this charismatic friend, he’s quite knowledgeable in general, but you could teach him rocket science and he’ll still be like “yes, that’s right.”, as if he knew it all along.
Don’t be a tool – when it’s appropriate, rather say, “Really? Is that a fact? Interesting.”, or give your approval on it by saying “Wow, you know your stuff hey!”
Also, ask questions. The one who asks the questions controls the conversation. This concept has atomic power.
I have a friend who is a natural born leader. Unfortunately for him we ran into my pastor who is just a rock of a leader with a lot more experience in leading large crowds of people, even difficult and critical people. So we sat down at the local Nando’s for some chicken and I left them to place an order.
Later in the day he told me “your pastor seems arrogant.”
A week later he told me “your pastor was quite rude.”
A month later he told me “your pastor was a dick to me.”
I started wondering what must have taken place at that table while I was ordering chicken. They had just met, why would someone be rude to someone else when they’ve just met and chatting casually. Well I know my pastor and he asks questions. “Which church are you at?” “Are you serving God?” “Are you plugged in at your church”, and he immediately starts leading the interaction like you’re being pulled along by a bulldozer.
What happened is that my friend, being an alpha male personality, doesn’t like being led. He couldn’t quite place his finger on why he felt like a total child speaking to my pastor, and the more he thought about it the more it bothered him, which is why he went from saying “your pastor seems arrogant” to “your pastor was a total dick towards me”.
If only he knew, my pastor was leading him, leading the interaction by asking him questions about his life.
Note here, it’s not about asking advice. Asking advice puts the other person in control of the interaction. It’s questions like “how is your family” and “are you progressing well with your job” and “are you reaching that goal you set for yourself”
Conclusion
These tips must be maintained all the time. You can’t get it right once and think you’ve got it. You have to keep practicing it every time you speak to someone you’re not familiar with; after all, we are all confident in front of our friends because we know they’re not judging us.
It’s a tough balance because if you go too far you come across as arrogant; too little and you come across as shy and insecure. But life is all about balance and it takes a little practice to get it just right, but once you do it’s very rewarding and freeing.